Did you want me to change? Well I'd change for good.

So I finally have money for the first time in a week.  Did you know that you can take money out of a bank account even if your debit card is still in the mail? "That's what we did in the olden days, Emily."  Thanks, Dad.  I felt stupid.

I had my first day of work today, and it was really great.  It wasn't like they let me go early and bought me lunch, and I led a parade (obviously one of my great aspirations).  It was just really good.  I've spent the last two years of college frantically running from place to place.  Most people have never seen me not out of breath (thank you, Spencer), and I never had time to do the very basic things: sleeping, eating, working out.  I'm realizing that I just did it because I wanted to feel like I was actually doing something; accomplishing something tangible or fulfilling.  At my internship today, I sent out mailings, and sat in three-hour meetings, but I didn't feel distracted or agitated.  I'm playing a small but integral part in running a well-oiled machine, and I feel fulfilled.

My walk home from work is beautiful.  I work in Covent Garden, and when I walk home at night, I pass through these cobblestone streets with impossibly perfect little cafes and shops, and tiny white lights everywhere.  And while I walked today, I didn't travel at a furiously marching half-jog, looking around frantically to check if people noticed how ridiculous I looked.  I listened to music.  I didn't check the time because I knew that when I got home, Mackenzie and I would eventually go grocery shopping.  At some point afterwards, I would make dinner, take a shower, and get my things ready for my first class tomorrow.  I've done all that now, and I've been leisurely editing this entry for half an hour or so.  Our third roommate with visa issues, Melanie, will be here soon.  Tonight, I'm probably going to read, listen to music, and keep an eye on the rain.

I realized today that I've been making my life miserable for the past two years.  I have the worst fear of missing out (fomo) of anyone I know.  I participated in everything I (im)possibly could.  I thought that if I missed out on something potentially fulfilling, it would be the end of the world as we know it (like the R.E.M. song in Independence Day).  Now I've realized that a lot of it wasn't fulfilling at all because there was too much of it.  At Clark, my planner was booked from nine am to midnight, and I always needed to get past the next week, but that's no way to live your life, and I'm done with it.  I feel clear-headed and relaxed, and I'm loving everything.  I guess I just needed a five thousand mile change to get it through my head.

It feels really nice to finally say this without all the pathetic Marcy Park subtext:  I'm not all business.

<3 Emily